I’ve seen quite a few of these ‘free pass’ lists, or for my American friends ‘hall pass’ lists. You know the ones; you and your spouse agree on a list of celebrities, that if the chance ever arose, they wouldn’t mind you shacking up with.
The problem I find with these lists are that they’re too predictable; they’re always filled with the Megan Foxes and Jennifer Anistons of the world. They really aren’t my cup of tea. So here is my list, in no particular order, of the 10 women, who if they ever decided to get with a fat, bald, broke, grumpy father of 2, then I’d happily cook them eggs in the morning:
Women Who Can Kick My Ass
1. Sasha Banks @sashabankswwe
Watching Sasha throw other women around the squared circle must stir something in you!
2. Paige Vanzant @paigevanzantufc
Here are 2 photos of the American strawweight fighter in the UFC. You decide which Paige you prefer, I’m sure you’ll choose wisely.
3. Andreia Brazier @andreiabrazier
She lifts 3 times as much as me, maintains her femininity, and should really be the perfect role model for female fitness. Plus I can’t help but think of her killing me in a similar way to the bond villain whateverhernamewas Onatop. What a way to go!
Women Who Can Teach Me A Thing Or Two
4 and 5. Suzannah Lipscomb @sixteenthcgirl and Dr Kate Williams @katewilliamsme
Two of the hottest historians on TV. Incredibly smart and interesting, they remind me of the school history teacher that prevented me from taking breaks because I couldn’t stand up from behind the desk. I could chat with both of these ladies for hours and lets be honest, history involves some really kinky shit!
Women Who Can Keep Me Informed
6. Claudia-Liza Armah @claudializatv
Lets face it, Claudia-Liza has come a long way since doing the 30 second updates on Hipsters’ favourite channel, BBC 3. She’s not afraid to almost pop a boob out on TV and has called Donald trump a prick during a live broadcast, and she is incredibly sexy.
With her Welsh pang and exotic appearance she boggles the mind, and any woman who can tax you mentally automatically stirs the loins. She, for me, is the hottest lady in British news today.
8. Becky Mantin @beckymantin_
Do I really need to explain this one? Just look at her! Her practical knowledge of the weather would be priceless, plus the way she signs off the forecast with a wink definitely creates a warm front and early signs of moisture and any other weather pun you can insert here.
Women Who Are Just Incredibly Sexy
9. Patricia Heaton @patriciaheaton
Married to Ray Romano in Everybody Loves Raymond and the janitor from Scrubs in The middle, she’s been around a bit, but that experience is priceless. Not much older than me, but I see her as a sexy pint sized cougar! She’s the sexiest woman on American TV in my mind.
10. Emma Willis @emmawillis
If I need to explain this one, you need putting down. Watch the Gilette advert and it’ll explain everything!
Disclaimer: My wife hasn’t approved this list, so sorry ladies, even if you did fancy a go on a chubby bald guy who’s less than impressive in the bedroom, you won’t be allowed. Sorry.